Why King Solomon is the Donald Trump of the Hebrew Bible
Note: Previously we wrote a humorous comparison between the foul mouthed Apostle to the gentiles and the GOP candidate for pussy grab...err president. Now, we're looking into the lives of King Solomon and the Orange Wonder.
A Little Background & The First Point of Comparison
The life of King Solomon, son of King David and Bathsheba, is primarily found in 1 Kings 1-11. With that in mind, let’s begin by putting aside the mythology surrounding Solomon's wisdom for a moment. Yes, the Bible contains references to his wisdom: his famous prayer for wisdom instead of riches, as well as the "let's cut a prostitute's baby in half!" story, are found in 1 Kings 3. There are also random assertions about how wise he was in the Bible (c.f. 1 Kings 4:29-34). However, the vast majority of the tales about his fabled wisdom come from traditions composed long after the Hebrew texts, some of which aren't even Jewish.
Regardless of the amount of wisdom Solomon possessed, some would argue that if he had any wisdom, he's fighting in a weight class far above the guy with a poorly-trained, blonde-dyed hamster on his head; that all this wisdom talk in and of itself negates the comparison between the two "leaders." But this issue actually enables the first point of comparison: who do you think authored/commissioned the stories of Solomon's wisdom?
Those who have studied biblical compositions are aware that the books of Samuel and Kings contain information from a variety of sources. Scholars have long argued that some of the source material for the tales of David and Solomon were possibly authored from within Solomon's court. In other words, there has been a longstanding question about whether a little revisionist history (read: "fake news") was composed to make father and son look better.
Why? Have you read the book of Samuel? David is a mess, as many of our game cards attest to (here's a small example). The "man after God's own heart" was an adulterer, murderer, betrayer, hypocrite, and a crappy father. Some hold that scribes try to smooth over the rough spots and make him look better: he was a poet/musician, handsome, and kind. It is conjectured that the same sort of sanitizing took place for Solomon's story, because when you consider the whole picture, he took after the worst aspects of his dad, but with less dead bodies.
(Side note: the Acts-Luke narrative and the pastoral epistles in the New Testament do the same for the Apostle Paul. Compare those works to Galatians or Romans and you see a different Paul).
However, the propaganda could not completely silence the dissenting voices: both are found in our modern Bibles. Some have proposed that the lost Book of the Acts of Solomon (referenced in 1 Kings 11:41) might be a part of this royal propaganda. And on the other hand, outside of Kings, there are biblical critiques of Solomon's rule. There is good reason to believe that the "law of the king" (Deuteronomy 17:14-20) was composed as a critique of Solomon. Furthermore, the book of Ecclesiastes (which was not written by Solomon) makes a lot more sense when read as a thinly veiled critique of Solomon's administration and the state of the nation(s) as a result of his failed policies.
All of this is just an introduction into the myriad ways that King Solomon is akin to the tiny-handed gold-monger residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Comparing King Shlomo and the Schulb
1. Their fathers were rich, powerful, and shady as fuck.
2. They were accustomed to a lifestyle of luxury and comfort.
3. They came to power through dubious means [this and the next two points of comparison we have written about in a previous Card Talk].
4. Those groomed and assumed to run the nation after a curry-haired heart-throb, had skeletons in their closest (and/or the closets of their close supporters), even though they were vastly more qualified to lead.
5. They fired (or killed) the career politicians of the previous administration and replaced them with friends.
6. Due to their fathers' accomplishments and influence, they avoided military service. As commander in chief, they regularly made pronouncements impacting military readiness.
7. They had an unhealthy obsession with gold, wealth, and power.
8. They had an unhealthy need to be surrounded by foreign women, whether they marry them or not.
9. They made numerous allegiances with foreign nations believing they were the best at negotiating trade deals.
10. They exacerbated conflicts with foreign enemies.
11. They continually engaged in building projects, which were always over-time and over-budget, whether they succeed or not.
12. They engaged in the gerrymandering of districts to exercise political and economic control over their people.
13. Their economic policies, especially in regards to taxation and labor, oppressed/crushed the working class.
14. Their false piety and blatant acts of idoltrous behavior were condemned by religious leaders who remained true to the faith, unlike the ones on their payroll.
15. They caused an irredeemable rift between two factions of the nation, leading to its international downfall.
16. Their children were idiots.
Let us know if you think we missed something.